How Well Do You Really...

Act 36:

“It’s never too late… To Know Yourself

We think we do. We know things about ourselves nobody else does. But are we honest enough? It comes with wisdom and accepting our imperfections. The more we know about ourselves…the more freedom we have” – Patrick Lindsay

Quote in book: “The spirit is the true self.” ~ Cicero

Ok everyone this is gonna be short, cause I spent 3.5 hours watching Kat’s Vokle session tonight. It’s normally 1 hour, so I was gonna write my blog after (which I am, but it’s late here on the east coast and I have to go to bed). Tonight’s session was fascinating. Kat was pissed at first, then we started talking about all the weird things people do, then we got serious and talked to a 16 year old who’s really different from the rest of us and most people would judge him for the things he shared, but no judgment from Kat (or me for that matter).. Unconditional Love… That is something that she not only preaches, but practices, too. I saw it in action tonight…. Anyway on to today’s Act.

I’d like to think I know myself pretty well. I’m very self aware, but even I know there are things about myself I don’t know. I have two examples and they happened yesterday and today, then I’m going to bed.

Example 1: Yesterday was Father’s day. I flew from LA to DC. My flight was at 8am. I started off the day great, even if I didn’t sleep AT ALL the night before. I got upgraded to first class. I had an apple juice and a bloody mary and an omelet. I felt great. I heard the “you may now free move around the cabin” Bing. I grabbed my phone and checked my msgs. I got a msg from KM saying “I know this may not be an easy day for you, but I'm sure your dad is celebrating today in heaven. He's gotta be so proud of his great kids!”

I just lost it right there on the plane. I started tearing and I kept trying to pull myself together, but I was probably tearing on and off for almost an hour. Every time I would think I would stop or was about to get it together, something happened that made me start again. I was in Minneapolis and not sure if you’ve ever been there, but the thing is HUGE. I mean Minnesota has the Mall of America that is HUGE. This airport was freakin huge too. It took me 20 min to walk from my gate to my other gate from G terminal to D terminal… CRAZY. Anyway, as I was walking through the airport about to pull it together and almost stop tearing. I saw a Snoopy Statue. Anyone who knew my Dad knows he LOVED and collected anything Peanuts and had he been there, he would've made me take a picture w/ the statue or at least said.. "SA - NOOO- PY". As I turned away to wipe the new tears, there was a store that had a sign “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY” that I almost ran into. Waterworks continued. I knew he was there with me.

I finally get to the gate and I send a tweet out on Twitter saying “I need a hug! Didnt realize how hard 2day was gonna hit me until I got a msg telling me 2b strong. Started tearing in airport. I miss my dad”. Now, I have 42 friends on twitter and most of them don’t even tweet anything out. I probably talk to 10 people on it tops. So, I sent out this tweet expecting NOTHING, because no one really ever reads my tweets. Even if they are completely public, I have 42 friends.. what were the odds someone would read it... I feel safer tweeting out stuff there cause I know noone’s reading. Most of my friends are on FB (i have over 600 friends), if I sent something there I know someone would read it and i was afraid I would never stop crying. I didn’t call my mom or bro, cause I would never stop if I did. I sent it out just cause I felt I needed to.

My F2F buddy AP sent me something back. Now keep in mind, I’ve never met AP in real life. In fact, I have only known her for 3 weeks now. And to be fair, we don't really "know" each other, but she seems really cool from what I know so far. I added her on a whim, because she was entertaining us on Vokle during the F2F kickoff party and I was feeling friendly. She and I have been conversing back and forth about seeing repeated numbers on clocks… like 2:22, 3:33, 5:55, 11:11 (which btw is my room number 1111). Anyway, she wrote me this in response ot my tweet. “ honey....I give you a huge hug....HUGE. My dad's been gone for 11 years and I still miss him. He is with you though, just close your eyes and look right inside your heart. see there he IS! xoxox… Someone told me in the beginning when I missed him to the point of tears that was when he was closest. Xoxo” And in response to my room being 1111 “you are surrounded by angels. And your dad is one of them. :) “. Anyway, AP made me feel sooo much better. She was right. I felt my dad there with me. Putting his arm around me trying to comfort me from the empty seat next to me. After reading her tweets, a few minutes later I look up and the clock said 2:22. I stopped crying.

Lastly, I got a message from AB “Hello my dear! I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you today, knowing that you lost your dad this year. I hope you have a peaceful day! Xoxo”. This one didn’t make me cry (like I thought it would) it made me smile.

Okay, so why did I tell you that long soppy story and how does it relate to the Act?? Because of this….I knew it was Father’s Day and I figured I would be sad in some way, but I didn’t think it would go the way it did. I thought I KNEW myself and thought I KNEW how I would react to things, but I had no clue. ALL of yesterday surprised me. I never thought that KM’s message would make me tear up and cry like a baby. (but it's ok it was a good thing. I know she's gonna read this and feel bad... don't feel bad, babe. I love you for sending me that msg. I love that you care so much about me. mwah!)

I never cry in public. When I told my mom, she said “Well, that’s the first time you let yourself FEEL it since he died. You haven't let yourself FEEL it yet. that's good.” When she said it, I was like… ya it was the first time in public. I have cried privately at home and just sat and cried for 5 – 10 mins when no one was around. But she’s right. I’ve always kinda controlled it and stopped it cause that’s what I “allowed” myself to do. Short bursts of crying, but I’ve never let myself cry for almost an hour and in PUBLIC. It’s just not me.

I also usually never reach out to strangers or tweet out my “feelings” to the internet. I usually keep that very close to the vest, but I did. (AP - I feel closer to you every day. thanks again for making me feel better).

I didn’t think that I would react to AB’s message like I did. I thought I would cry all over again. (AB - thanks for thinking of me as well. You don't know how much it means to me that you cared enough to reach out to me. I love you).

So, in short...there are a lot of things I did yesterday, that I never thought I would do. So, I guess I don’t really know myself as well as I think I do. Shout out to KM, AP, AB, and DAD for showing me sides of myself that I never thought existed. Much love and respect...Thanks.

Example 2: Kat talks about unconditional love all the time on Vokle. I do have unconditional love, but it’s reserved for my family. I do normally judge other people. I don’t really mean to, I just do. But tonight, when I was listening to all the people talk about all the weird shit they’ve done. I was like.. man they’re weird, but hey… so am I. So is everyone. I didn’t feel any judgment. When the 16 year old was talking and he was sharing some pretty outrageous stuff. I didn’t judge him. I kinda felt bad for him, cause it must be hard to go through the world feeling that way. I felt like this kid needed to be heard. Not judged. Kat gave him that. WE in the chat room gave him that opportunity. So – again, I learned something new about myself. I’m not as judgmental as I used to be. I probably still am a self-righteous bitch at times, but not ALL the time anymore. I’ve mellowed a little over time. I HAVE changed.

A bunch of people have told me that since my dad died that I’ve changed (and even before he died, he and my mom both told me that I have). I didn’t really believe him or anyone else that's said it. I mean not really. I hoped it was true, but something inside was saying “they’re just saying that”. Well after the last two days, I think it’s sinking in a little. I HAVE changed. I’m not as selfish. I’m not as guarded. I’m more open about myself and my feelings (to people other than my family). I’m not as judgmental. I’m not as strong as I think I am. I do need help. I do need support. I can’t always do it on my own. These are all things learned about myself in one way or another over the last couple of days/weeks/months. I knew some of them, but I didn’t know the extent of how true they really were. The last two days solidified some of those things for me. Especially the last three…. I always try to go at it alone, but I need to ask for help more often.

So – How well do you really know yourself? Think hard. I know there’s something about yourself that you can learn today. Right now. Be honest w/ yourself. There’s gotta be something you’re lying to yourself about. Embrace your flaws. Improve upon your strengths and your weaknesses. Love the weird things about you. Have unconditional love for yourself. Don’t judge yourself. I know now, that I won’t judge you.

Wow that was longer than I thought it was gonna be… Off to sleep…