Afraid Of The Dark

Act 46:

“It’s never too late… To Face Your Fears

Until you do, you remain in chains. Never underestimate your courage. Be positive in your approach. If necessary, take it in stages. Often your fear is outdated, or based on a misunderstanding or misapprehension. Once you break the spell, you’re free. Look it straight in the eye. Back yourself.” – Patrick Lindsay

Quote in book: “The challenge is not to win but to conquer the fear. It’s not the other people you have to beat, it’s yourself.” ~ Anonymous

Ok. I’ll admit it. I’m a little afraid of the dark. As a kid, I used to be A LOT afraid of the dark. I was probably always scared of the dark, but I distinctly remember it being really bad after I watched this scary horror movie about kids at camp. There was a killer killing all of the kids and it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t sleep for like three days. I never wanted to go to camp after seeing that movie. I can’t even remember the name of it, but it traumatized me! Right around the same time The NightStalker, Richard Ramirez was on his killing spree or at least he was on the news. They might have actually already caught him, but I remember seeing posters of “The NightStalker” all around the block, etc. My parents always checked the doors and windows like three times at night. So, because of these two things I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of getting killed in my sleep. I still can’t sleep w/ the closet doors open because the clothes look like people hanging there and I’m afraid someone will jump out and get me. Now, even though I don’t like the dark, I’m not as afraid… because I really can’t sleep unless it’s pitch black. So, I’ve kinda learned to be a little bit braver at night! I “kinda” conquered that one.

Let’s see what else am I afraid of… After watching Arachnophobia, I was always afraid I was going get a spider bite on my toe and die, like in the movie. Man – anyone else see a pattern. Movie + killing = Me afraid of it. I always checked the shower for spiders coming down from the shower head. So I was really afraid of spiders after that movie. I don’t like bugs, but I scream like a little girl when a spider’s around. I still don’t like them that much, but living by myself means I have to “deal” with the spiders on my own now, instead of screaming “Dad! DAD! DAD! There’s a spider on the wall!!!” He would come in, get a towel, grab the spider and it NEVER failed… he would always lunge the towel at me and I would scream and go flying 6 feet off the ground.

I’m really afraid of heights or more accurate afraid of falling…. Or falling to my death from heights. Maybe I’m just afraid of dying??? I did gymnastics as a kid and beam was the event I hated because I was four feet off the ground. I hated beam, but surprisingly I was really good at it. Maybe cause I didn’t want to fall or hurt myself, so I made sure I stayed on! I don’t really like roller coasters where you fall straight down, because I don’t like that stomach in your throat feeling. I’m afraid of heights and I avoid high places if I can.

I remember visiting my bro in Montana when he was there. He and I went to the lake. He jumped off what seemed like a 40-foot rock into the water. He wanted me to jump. I couldn’t and part of it was because I was scared of heights, but the other part was because he told me I might break my ankles if I go in the water wrong. Here’s some pics of me wanting to jump off the rock, then cowering like a child who lost their mommy in a store. =(

So I was in the middle of writing this and I see a tweet from K. Brooks saying she’s struggling and she’s gonna go on Vokle (video chat). I stopped writing and went to lend my support (it's 2 hours later). What she’s going through actually applies to tonight’s blog. She’s facing one of her fears. She’s finally off Xanax. She’s detoxing. I’m so proud of her for doing it. It’s hard enough to detox, but to do it w/ a camera in your face, sleeping in a different hotel room every night… as she puts it “courage under fire”. That woman is so amazing and she doesn’t even know it. She went on vokle and about 30 of us dropped everything just to lend our support. She's so brave for doing this while filming a movie and driving 11,000 miles across the country. Kat you rock! I'm so proud of you for getting clean!

And I realized how amazing that is for a bunch of reasons. 1) how awesome it is that we all support her in her time of need, facing her fears 2) how awesome it is to know that you don’t have to face your fears alone and that you can do anything w/ a support system 3) how awesome it is that we are all connected and we don’t need to feel alone. I stayed on the chat and got to know some wonderful people… shout out to zinatnj, gainesm, goodlittleroses, surflifechick, ANoto. (I feel like I’m forgetting someone…) Y’all made my night. KAT PACK and F2F family rules the world.

This leads me into my final fear and one that I’m hesitant to say out loud, save on my blog. I will need my real family, F2F family, and friends to help me through this... here it goes… I guess other than my fear of dying by being murdered, by a spider, or by falling off a building… my real fear is ending up alone. When my dad died, my mom, my bro and I were there. I’m afraid that when I die, that I’ll be alone. I fear I’m never gonna find someone to share my life with…someone to have a family with. I fear I’ll never accomplish the one thing I’ve always wanted ever since I was little and that’s to have kids. Over the years, I’ve always been the mother hen. I’ve been told I’d make a good mom cause I take care of everyone. I'm just afraid that may never happen for me... =(

I'm coming to the realization that...If I don’t have a partner in life, I have to be ok w/ that. I’ve lived this long w/out one… what’s another 30 years? However, I’m never really gonna find someone sitting alone at home blogging on my computer. I do need to get out there and start dating, but I feel like I’m not ready yet. With all that’s been going on in my life this year… I need a break. I need to be ready (or at least in a better place.) Although, I’m getting closer to being ready than I was a month ago… I know I’m still not there. Maybe I’ll be ready next month. However, if any of you wanna hook me up…. You know I’m down! =) Just make sure they know I’m a basket case right now. =)

Anyway, I’m starting to realize (through Kat and F2F and blogging) that I’m not alone. I will never be alone. I have my mom, my bro, my cousins, my aunts/uncles. I have my friends, my co-workers, and now my F2F family (who couldn’t have entered my life at better time). I know y’all love me and care about me. I just need to remember that. Maybe that’s enough… maybe I don’t have to be afraid of ending up alone, because I have all of you. Thank you for being there for me when I need you and supporting me, so I can face this fear head on. I love you!!!