Make The Effort To Extend Yourself

Act 85:

“It’s never too late… To Push Your Boundaries

We all have boundaries. They are almost all illusions. Drawn by fear. Or self-protection. Or laziness. Test some: push them slowly at first. See how they bend and disintegrate. Learn not to trust them. Take pride in pushing through them.” – Patrick Lindsay

Quote in book: “…the desire is boundless, and the act a slave to limit.” ~ Shakespeare, Trouilus & Cresida

When I first read this Act, I thought of my friend CZ. We’ve been talking about relationships and when to stay in it or when to get out. We’ve been talking about characteristics and criteria for mates in a relationship. What kinds of traits are you looking for? What do you do if someone doesn’t have them? Do we really end up w/ the person we thought we would?

Here’s my schpeel… (and I’m copying some of what I wrote in an email to her)

“We all have criteria that we "think" will make us happy. The things that we look for in a mate. However, 9 times out of 10 we don't end up with the person we thought we wanted. I'll give you an example. [I know someone who] wanted a bible thumping chinese guy. The religion thing was very very important to her. The guy she ended up marrying is not religious at all.

My point is this... we don't always know what's best for us and although the criteria sort of matters, it's really the little things about a person that really really matter. These are the things that are hard to evaluate and put into your percentage. Does he do the little things? like make you walk down the hall like a freaking idiot with a huge as grin on ur face when you think about him? Is he kind with you? Is he great in bed? Do you think about him when you're away from him? Can you live with him? Does he treat you well? Does he treat your dogs well? How is he with your friends? Can he put you in your place when you're out of line? Does he challenge you intellectually? (Does this even matter to you?)

These are the kinds of things that matter (or at least matter to me) and should go into your evaluation. Like I said in my blog, find out what's important to you...then see how he ranks on that scale.

So how does this apply to the Act?? Well relationships in general, push us to our limits. Push our boundaries of what we are comfortable with. Like I said, we don’t always end up w/ who we expect to end up with. I’m risk averse, so I don’t like to go take a risk and would rather be alone. I have list of non-starters that my potential mate will have to pass, before I even think about dating them long term. My non-starters are Family, Religion, and Drugs.

I’ve ended relationships before because we didn’t agree on one of those topics. For me, family is most important. I wanna have kids someday. The person I end up with has to want kids too. I know at least two couples who disagree on the subject of kids and none of them will ever change their minds… It’s almost hopeless. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay with someone who didn’t want kids. The second part of family that’s important to me is my mom and my brother. They are the two most important people in my life. I would drop anything for them and would do anything for them… If my mom got sick and couldn’t live on her own… she’s coming to live w/ me… not going in a home. (if that’s what she wants). If my bro needed anything… financial, emotional, whatever… I’m there. If he needed me to be a surrogate for him, I’d do it. If he needed me to send him money, I’d do it. If he needed a place to live, he can have mine.

Ultimately, (and I didn’t think this was the case a few years ago) religion is really important to me. I didn’t realize it until I looked at the last couple of people I dated. One of the main reasons I stopped was religion. Now, I don’t need them to be catholic like me, but they do have to believe in GOD, accept the fact that my faith is important to me (i.e. don’t mock me), and lastly allow for the possibility that my faith or something very close to it will be present in our household and taught to our kids.

The last big thing is drugs. I don’t do them. I don’t want them to do it. I don’t want it in my house. I don’t want them sneaking around and doing it when their away from me. The only drug I put in my body is alcohol. I don’t drink caffeine. I try as much as possible not to even take pain meds and try to just tough it out. Now, I don’t need them to be like me and prescription drugs are ok… I’m mainly talking about illegal drugs and pot. I know that pot is legal in some states and can be used for medicinal purposes, but I don’t want it around me at all.

Those are my hard and fast boundaries. All others are “ok” to be pushed, but not w/out a little bit of resistance from me. Things like…

• I don’t like smokers. I hate the ashtray mouth (even cloves are yucky). Worse yet, I don’t like people who chew tobacco… OMG that’s even worse than smokers…the constant spittoon bottles all over the place the yucky taste and smell all over (well the smoker smell is gross too). Ick ick ick.
• I don’t like cats, I’d prefer a dog or a fish, if there has to be an animal.
• I’d prefer a college education. A graduate degree is a bonus, but both are not really as important as the fact that they need to challenge me intellectually. Some of the smartest people I know never went to college
• I need someone who makes me laugh.
• I need someone who can carry a conversation, but is ok w/ silence sometimes
• I need someone who understands that sometimes I need space. I can’t have a stage 5 clinger on my hands. I’m an “I”. I need some alone time to recharge.
• I need someone who can handle my moods and put me in my place. They can’t be a push over. That would never work. I know I need boundaries too.

So universe…. This is some of my list. I’m ok w/ pushing some of these boundaries, but not all of them. Hook me up w/ someone that fits these all these criteria (well ok.. most of them…) I’m putting myself out there and I know I will be rewarded.

Relationships are all about compromise. Compromising the things that we “think” are important to us, but end up less important, because we love the other person so much. I know that I’ll let my guard down for the right person and the compromising won’t feel like compromising, because I’ll love them in spite of those things that I never wanted. Push yourself to accept the things that you never liked or wanted. Push the boundaries of your comfort and push the boundaries of your heart. Open yourself up to the possibility of loving someone for who they are… not for who you want them to be or how close they came to your list…

Let’s do a poll of all the readers out there… how many of you ended up w/ a person who fit ALL of your initial criteria?? I bet that it’s 0% of my friends/family.