1 Year

It has been 1 year since my father’s passing. I don’t want this to be a sad entry nor do I want to pass over the somberness of this day. I’m just gonna do what I always do and go where ever the words take me. Let’s start at the beginning.

In 2009, my dad missed my B-School graduation, because he had to get his appendix out. We found out that his appendix had cancer cells. So, the doctors decided to cut out 18in of his colon. They found that only the first 6in had “cancer-like” cells. We were told they got everything. Note: To others in the future. Make sure you do Chemo even after “getting all of it”. You may not be able to see the cancer, but it’s still there.

About a year later in 2010, the cancer came back…This time hitting his stomach and intestines. He had another surgery to cut it out, but he was the never the same after that. Over the course of the year he was in and out of the hospital. He came home for about month in November of 2010 only to return in Dec 2010 and never came home after that.

In the days leading up to his death, we were hopeful he would make a full recovery, but I think I knew deep in my heart when he spent Xmas in the hospital that he was nearing the end. I got a text from my mom on Jan 13^th to call her. This was a little bit of a surprise because just a few days before we were hopeful to hear that the number of tumors w/in his digestive track had decreased from 32 to 6. However, the 6 tumors were inoperable and were so big that no food was getting thru his digestive track. He basically couldn’t eat anything for like 3 months. So when the news came that he was moving to Hospice care, so I took the flight home that I had planned (I was going home for Martin Luther King Weekend). They gave him 2 weeks. He lasted 4 days.

As I packed my stuff to head home, it was sad to think about, but I made sure there was something for me to wear in case he passed. As I was flying to AR, I couldn’t sleep. I cried a little on the plane when the realization hit me that this was the last time I was going home to visit both my parents. I knew I had to prepare myself for the worst, which is something my dad always taught me. I knew I have to be the strong one for my mom and my brother. I’m usually the rock. I knew I had to be that again. So, I did most of my big sobbing before I went out there and behind closed doors.

It sucked that the doctors were giving up and that my dad essentially was too. But the more I thought about it, my dad had more time to get used to this idea before any of us. He had months of sitting in that hotel room. Months to ponder his mortality. Months to get ready for what I feel like he knew was the inevitable. I realized that as much as it sucked, he would no longer suffer. I think for me it was hard to hear, but I was thankful for him. Thankful he would no longer be in pain. Thankful he could finally eat whatever he wanted. Thankful he was at peace. Thankful he would be reunited with his parents and with GOD.

What was this day like a year ago?

It was the holiday. Martin Luther King. My bro and I went to visit my dad to have him meet my bro’s new dog, Rusty. The day before we brought my parents dogs Nook and Geoff to visit. My brother has a video of it, but it still makes me a little sad to see him so thin. I’m just not quite ready yet. My bro went to bring Rusty home. My mom was still at home working. My bro came back and we went down to the cafeteria to have lunch. We stopped by the gift shop and got my dad a Peanuts toy. When we got back to the room, my dad had gotten worse. His breathing was labored and the nurses told us that it was only a matter of time. We called my mom to get to the hospital as soon as she could. There we sat. My brother and I flanking my father as his breathing got shallower and shallower. Each holding one of his hands.

I remember thinking and praying that my mom would get there in time. My brother was sending my dad energy. I remember looking and waiting until seeing my mom’s car in the parking lot. Telling my dad and my brother my mom was on her way and that I saw her. I felt my father tense a little bit. He was waiting for her to get there. My mom entered the room. My brother moved closer to my father’s head as my mom grabbed his hand.

I remember saying. “Dad. She’s here. It’s ok. We’re all here.” He took two more breaths. Then he passed with all four of us in the room. Just like he would’ve wanted.

And that was it. He was gone. From then on I teared a bit, but didn’t really sob until after the funeral and everyone had left. The one I felt really bad for was my uncle, my dad’s brother. He missed my dad by about 45 mins. He was prob landing right when my dad died. So many people came for his funeral. I think the hardest part was delivering the news. The part that made me cry was hearing all the stories and all the outpouring of love for him. Everyone loved my father. I just hope that when it’s my time, so many people say such nice things about me.

Here is the remembrance video I made that we played at his wake.

So many things have happened this past year that I wanted to tell or talk to my dad about. The Packers won the Super Bowl. The guy who won the Tour de France was an Australian named Cadel Evans. The lockout for the NFL and for the NBA. I would’ve loved to hear what he thought about the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries thing. I think normally he wouldn’t have cared, but because there was a sports connection it would’ve peaked his interest. Oh and the whole TEBOW thing… man I wish I knew what he thought about that whole mess.

I miss talking to him about sports. I miss his weather reports. I miss his funny/goofy way of thinking/speaking about things. I miss his laugh. I miss his lame jokes. I miss his love. I miss his support.

I’ve changed my entire life as a result of his death. I wish he could’ve been around to see what I’ve been doing w/ my life. In this past year, I have changed my attitude. I’m a lot less stressed (except at work). I’m more sure of myself. I care less about what others think about me, which in this sense is a good thing. I’m not trying to please everyone. I’m just trying to please myself. Trying to please my family and to honor my father’s memory. I’m trying to be the person he would’ve been proud of.

I blogged for 6 months straight. I let go of all the drama. I met some amazing new friends in the F2F family. I’ve reconnected with old friends that I never thought I would. Finally, the one thing I wish I could share with him is that I found the love of my life. I’m so happy. It’s given me new life. New drive. I know all he wanted for me was to be happy. I am. I finally am. My mom and brother are so happy for me too. Would he have misgivings or be happy for me too? I hope my dad would’ve felt the same. In fact, I know he would’ve. He led me straight down that path (but that’s a story for another time).

My life is ever changing. And with that I have to get used to the fact that my dad is not here to talk about the weather or sports. He’s no longer here to go on family vacations or holidays. But that he’s here in other ways. In the way I care about others. In my dorkiness. In my sense of humor. In the way I love my family and friends. He’s here in our hearts. I know he’s looking down on me and that I know he can see all the changes I’ve made in my life. I know he’s smiling down on my mom, my brother, and me. I love you Dad. Thank you for making me the person I am today and for influencing the person I will be tomorrow. I miss you.